Me and My Self Esteem

Self esteem is a big topic in my head lately.

(Yes, in my head. In all reality this blog is a just a place where I can attempt to empty some of my musings to make room for more  real life productivity, i.e. less thinking about it, more doing it.)

Anyways, self esteem.  For most of my life I’ve thought “low self esteem” was a whiny way of saying “poor me, look at me, nobody likes me.” I never really thought about how much it could affect a person’s life.  In fact I never gave it a LOT of thought period.

Until I had my third (and seriously unexpected) baby at the age of 33 (and gained a little too much weight).

Then my family moved 3000 miles away from the place we’d called home for the previous five and a half years.

To the dreariest place I can imagine just at the beginning of the dreariest season of the year. (Here they call it winter; I call it “the vast majority of November thru May.”)

In six months time, I gained 20 pounds (on top of the 25 I was holding onto from my pregnancy), quit visiting the few friends I had met since moving, barely spoke to the friends I’d left behind, and basically holed up in my living room lonely and depressed. I was just a bundle of joy to be around. (Ok, that all sounds more like depression, but I’m getting to the point.)

After a while (about the time the sun came out again in June), I began to snap out of the trance I’d been in only to find I was fat, out of shape, pale (ok, I’m always pale, but this was more like sickly pale), and needed a good hair cut and a mani-pedi. Also, because of the weight gain and general never leaving the house issue, I hadn’t wanted to buy new clothes either. I lived mostly in yoga pants and my husband’s old t-shirts.

(My theory was and still is I don’t care what it is or where you buy, it ISN’T cute in a size (gulp) 16. crestfallen sigh…)

I found that I didn’t want to go out in public much.  My few date nights with my husband were strictly dark movie theater only and "getting romantic" with him was cringe-worthy for me.  Naked is not a good look when you look like "eight pounds of sausage stuffed into a five pound sack." (Thank you, Caroline Manzo!) 

The only time I really did go out was to my husband's work events (of which it seemed there were many), and to me they seemed tortuous! I hated going, couldn’t wait to leave, and was generally grumpy the entire time we were there. We even had to attend one event that is considered a “cocktail party.”  Picture me the day before sobbing my eyes face down on my bed because there’s not enough Crisco in the world to have slid my fat ass into the dress I had been sewing for weeks.  (Funny story, I had originally thought that trying on dresses in my real size would have been too traumatic. Don’t you just love a good dose of irony?)

I think it was at that rock bottom moment that I truly understood what low self esteem REALLY feels like. It hurts. It’s painful. In short,

LOW SELF ESTEEM SUCKS BALLS!!!

Anyways, my own self esteem is something I’m working on during my Six Selfish Months.  I know that the weight loss will help.  As always spending time with my kids always helps because they are sooo awesome and love me more than I probably deserve. Also sorting out some issues I have with friendships and other relationships will help as well.  I’ve been doing some online research about books I can read and honestly I’m seriously considering therapy as well.  I’ll basically be trying anything and everything and simply sticking with whatever works.

I’m certain that you’ll be able to read about all my successes and failures here.  I hope that if you are struggling with self esteem issues maybe my blog can help you in some way.  If so, feel free to let me know!  At least the very least, we’ll both know we are not alone.

(By the way, the cocktail party story above happened less than a month ago so I’m still healing. Please if anyone reads this, be kind. I don’t need mean comments from the peanut gallery. I will most likely delete them and, at least mentally, give you my best one finger salute!)